Back in 1996 a very straight-laced co-worker of mine, named John, approached me and asked, "Hey, you wanna make some easy money?"
This caught me off guard. A flood of "one liner" responses entered my brain, but I refrained and sought more information. He said his brother has been participating in research studies at a facility here on Long Island and gets paid anywhere from $50 to $100 an hour.
These studies can be as simple as checking your blood pressure after consuming various amounts of caffeine to more intensive quarantining at a local motel after being exposed to a head cold and taking pills to relieve the symptoms. Never knowing whether or not you're taking a placebo or real medicine.
I asked a few questions and four days later I was sitting in a waiting room in Great Neck. I signed up for a three day study for three hours a day for a rate of $100 an hour. I had to be there at 9am Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for a test on antacids.
I had been instructed not to eat or drink anything since 9pm the night before. My name was called, I filled out a questionnaire on a clipboard and was led into a back room with four other guinea pigs. We were seated around a conference table and told not to talk to one another. A nurse came in pushing a cart with five devices each about the size of a walkman, on it. There was an aerosol can with a nozzle on it, too. Each of these "walkman" looking things had a set of wires in a tube about two feet long attached to it.
The nurse walked up to "victim" number one and picked the aerosol nozzle. "Do you have a preferred nostril?", she asked, nonchalantly. She then sprayed lubricant up this poor saps nose. Grabbing the walkman thingy she fed the wires encased tubing up the nose and down the throat of this guy. He was gagging, tearing up. Grunting.
"Yes, I know. It's a little uncomfortable.", she said.
I glanced at the other three people in the room and they were all white as ghosts. I asked myself. "What the fuck am I doing here?"...but sat there calmly watching as the nurse went from one person to the next....jamming this thing down everyone's throat.
Everyone was choking. One woman was crying...and then it was my turn. I was freaking out on the inside but on the outside: Cool as a cucumber.
She locked the nozzle on my left nostril and sprayed.
"Argggggggh!!!! What the hell? That...that...that tastes like...like...gross....IS THAT BANANA?!"
Anyone that knows me knows I hate three things. Fish. Cheese....and BANANAS!!!!!!
Nurse Ratched looks at me and says, "Yes. It's banana flavored, like circus peanuts, to help the tube slide down...and it tastes good."
"Tastes good? I HATE BANANAS!!!", I gagged.
Taking a deep breath, I said "Just do it!"
She grabbed the tube, tilted my head back and down my throat it went. Nice & easy. No choking. No pain. No tears. Just a slight pressure in my esophagus. It didn't bother me...except for the nasal banana drip. I was ok.
She flicked a switch on the machine and a pH reading popped on the screen. She wrote down everyone's results. Told us to sit quiet and she'd be back in 30 minutes to administer medicine. I looked around the room and saw four miserable people wallowing in agony. I picked up the New York Post and began to read, just like I was sitting at my kitchen table.
Thirty minutes later we were given unmarked tablets. Our monitors were read and read again every 30 minutes. After three hours, she pulled the tube out of my head and went one by one removing each.
"Ok. I'll see you all back her in two days."
"No way! I can't go through this again. Keep your God damn money!!!", sobbed the crying lady, as she ran out the door.
I returned Wednesday & Friday and went through it again, but both times I said, "No lube for me, I like it raw." (I received no laughter.)
That last day everything was going along smoothly and at the tests end the nurse went around one by one removing each device. Finally coming to me.
"Ok, Mr. Jemmott, you know the drill. Take a deep breath and exhale through your nose as I pull the tube out. Alright, on the count of three. One. Two. Three."
Sliding up from my stomach, up my throat and just about the enter my nasal passage and....SCRAPE!!!! My head jerks forward.
"OUCH! Argh!!!!"
The nurse tugged again. Each time I yelled, "ARGHHH!!!!"
"Mr. Jemmott there seems to be a problem. Let me get a doctor."
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! So now I'm sitting in this barren room with fluorescent lighting. This thing lodged in my head.
Two doctors come rushing into the room. The nurse right behind.
"Ok. Let's have a look." He puts his hands on my head, tilts it back. Touches my nose and goes, "Hmm?"
"I appears the end of the tube has somehow gotten lodge in your nose, up in your sinus. Pass the lubricant."
"No! I hate bananas!"
"We need to lube it real good and try and force it out. This hasn't happened before."
"Ok...just do it.", I submitted.
He squeezed the nozzle in and sprayed. "Ok, let's try this again. On the count of three, blow as hard as you can. I'll pull....one...two..three...BLOW!"
And with that....RIP!!!!!!!!!!!! Pop!!!!!! Blood.
It popped out. Tearing the inside of my nose. Blood dripping. The tube dangling covered in mucus.
The end of the wires had looped in my stomach. When the nurse pulled it ...it curved back catching itself into a knot...tightening with each tug.
The doctors, the nurse looked at each other.... looked back at me. "THAT has NEVER happened before."
I held an ice pack on my face. Walked to the front desk and collected my $900 check.
Three months later, I was back. This time a doctor, a different doctor, was administrating the tube down my throat. He said, "Ok...this may be a bit uncomfortable."
I said, "Yeah, I know. I've done this before. The last time it got looped and got stuck in my head. The doctor had to rip it out."
He stopped. Leaned back, looking at me, and said, "That was you?! I heard about you at the Christmas party."
